Collapsing One's Potential
“Once we know where we are, then the world becomes as narrow as a map. When we don’t know, the world feels unlimited.” ― Liu Cixin, The Dark Forest
I spend a lot of time generating potential for myself. In the fraught excitement of my young adult years, I would daydream about 'future me' and what sort of skills I could grace the world with. To have so much opportunity placed before oneself can be maddening, especially when one learns that at some point, you have to choose.
During this time, I'd do the usual things you'd associates with internet-enabled hobbies these days. I'd see a new skill I could learn, usually as outcome from a person whose dedicated years of their life to a given pursuit. I'd spend money or time getting all the tools and learning the techniques in theory, and then immediately drop it once I came up against any resistance. That, or I'd hesitate for never having the perfect environment in which to practice.
These flights of fancy would come and go, and come again. Somehow, during a short tenure as a teacher I got it into my head that a great 'role model' needs to display proficiency in everything they do. If I was going to be a remarkable mentor, then I must be the best at many, many things; not just my content area. And if I can't perform at my best every time in everything all at once, what's the point? Better to save my potential for when I really needed it.
I burned myself out at a million starting lines, always bargaining that eventually I would 'find time'. Instead, I'd slate myself with a bunch of smaller, easier responsibilities as an excuse to keep the difficult work at bay. Surely, I was one more productivity technique away from a generational lock-in. Once I could leverage my time effectively, then I could finally do all those hard things.
I have languished for many years, staring at all of the things that I could be. Never rejecting those fleeting desires as if somehow, I could dedicate myself to a hundred life-long pursuits. It is difficult to collapse one's potential, to realize that eventually you have to stop staring and actually choose where to apply your efforts. Sometimes it is more comfortable to spend time thinking about how to spend time.
It is also gratifying. Recently, I've started to prune those could-bes, and the already-ams remain. In accepting that I simply cannot 'do everything', there are skills I've been honing for years without thinking. I'm a reasonably adequate leather worker and outdoorsman. I exercise consistently. I make some pretty passable sourdough bread. Without placing them under that category of 'this is a hobby I have to master right now', I have tricked myself into spending the necessary time and effort to be more than just a novice.
This blog too, was almost an unrealized potential. In truth, I wanted to start posting months ago; but never found the 'right' time. If you're reading this, know that I have accepted that time will never come, and I'm okay with that. I would rather write and post a hundred duds than never put myself out there, forever anticipating that 'just right' moment. Real, actual creation comes with doing, not just planning.
Perhaps this is the only mark I will leave, perhaps I will submit this entry and then immediately renege on my assertions; sinking back into that comfortable point at the start, too afraid to reach the end. Hopefully, this is not the first step past the line. Rather, it's the moment I realize that I've been moving forward this whole time, and now can push ahead with intent.